In high-pressure situations, a measured communication style can make or break a negotiation or argument. Media attorney, BigSpeak’s EVP and the”People Whisperer” Ken Sterling learned the hard way that certain communication styles can lead to strained relationships, both personal and professional. It took years of intentional modifications to achieve his style, which avoids the two extremes possible in any verbal exchange: the bully, and the doormat. In his recent article for Inc, he breaks down exactly what not to aim for when it comes to intentional communications with something on the line. He points out that many would-be negotiators fall towards extremes that can be equally self-sabotaging if you don’t regulate yourself.

People who want to make a good impression have a higher tendency of becoming conversational doormats, mistakenly allowing people-pleasing behaviors to dictate their communications. This is not the same as being nice; a nice person can make for an excellent negotiator, and courtesy always goes a long way. The chief issue in this communication style is that the doormat lacks leverage, and once this is lost, is nearly impossible to regain, drastically lowering the chances of a negotiation ending in your favor.

On the other end of the negotiation spectrum is the bully. A strong-armer used to getting what they want,  bullies are often thought of as being better negotiators, as they seem to get what they want more often than not. Sterling cautions that this is often only true in the short run, with bullying behavior sealing one favorable deal, but shutting out future opportunities and spoiling goodwill with friends and business partners.

It is only through finding a balance between courtesy and firmness that you can consistently communicate favorably and attain sustainable, long-term success. Be it building a better relationship with a family member or sealing a lucrative deal with another business, striking the right balance will lead to many happy returns.